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f there were ever a relationship where boundaries could get confused, it is marriage, where by design husband and wife“become one flesh” (Eph. 5:31). Boundaries foster separateness.
Marriage has as one of its goals the giving up of separateness and becoming, instead of two, one. What a potential state of confusion, especially for someone who does not have clear boundaries to begin with!
More marriages fail because of poor boundaries than for any other reason. This chapter will apply the laws of boundaries, as well as its myths, to the marital relationship.
Is This Yours, Mine, or Ours?
A marriage mirrors the relationship that Christ has with his bride, the church. Christ has some things that only he can do, the church has some things that only it can do, and they have some things they do together. Only Christ could die. Only the church can represent him on earth in his absence and obey his commands. And together, they work on many things, such as saving the lost. Similarly, in marriage, some duties one spouse does, some the other does, and some they do together. When the two become one on their wedding day, spouses do not lose their individual identities. Each participates in the relationship, and each has his or her own life.
No one would have a problem deciding who wears the dress and who wears the tie. It’s a little trickier to decide who balances the checkbook and who mows the lawn. But these duties can be
worked out according to the spouses’ individual abilities and interests. Where boundaries can get confusing is in the elements of personhood—the elements of the soul that each person pos-sesses and can choose to share with someone else.
The problem arises when one trespasses on the other’s personhood, when one crosses a line and tries to control the feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, and values of the other.
These things only each individual can control. To try to control these things is to violate someone’s boundaries, and ultimately, it will fail. Our relationship with Christ—and any other suc-cessful relationship—is based on freedom.
Let’s look at some common examples:
Feelings
One of the most important elements that promotes intimacy between two people is the ability of each to take responsibility for his or her own feelings.
I was counseling a couple who were having marital problems because of the husband’s drinking. I asked the wife to tell her husband how she felt when he drank.
“I feel like he doesn’t think about what he’s doing. I feel like he . . .”
“No, you are evaluating his drinking. How do you feel about it?”
“I feel like he doesn’t care. . . .”
“No,” I said, “That is what you think about him. How do you feel when he drinks?”
She started to cry. “I feel very alone and afraid.” She had finally said what she felt.
At that point her husband reached out and put his hand on her arm. “I never knew you were afraid,” he said. “I would never want to make you afraid.”
This conversation was a real turning point in their relation-ship. For years the wife had been nagging her husband about the way he was and about the way he should be. He responded by blaming her and justifying his actions. In spite of hours and hours of talking, they had continued to talk past each other.
Neither was taking responsibility for his or her own feelings and communicating them.
We do not communicate our feelings by saying, “I feel that you. . .” We communicate our feelings by saying, “I feel sad, or hurt, or lonely, or scared, or. . .” Such vulnerability is the begin-ning of intimacy and caring.
Feelings are also a warning signal telling us that we need to do something. For example, if you are angry at someone for something she did, it is your responsibility to go to her and tell her you are angry and why. If you think that your anger is her problem and that she needs to fix it, you may wait years. And your anger may turn to bitterness. If you are angry, even if someone else has sinned against you, it is your responsibility to do something about it.
This was a lesson Susan needed to learn. When her husband, Jim, did not come home from work early enough for them to have time together, Susan became angry. Instead of confronting her husband, she would become very quiet for the rest of the evening. Jim became annoyed with having to pull out of her what was wrong. Eventually, hating her pouting, he left her alone.
Not dealing with hurt or anger can kill a relationship. Susan needed to talk with Jim about how she was feeling, instead of waiting for him to draw her out. Even though she felt he had been the one who had hurt her, she needed to take responsibil-ity for her own hurt and anger.
Jim and Susan did not solve their problem by her simply expressing her anger to him. She needed to go one more step.
She needed to clarify her desires in the conflict.
Desires
Desires are another element of personhood that each spouse needs to take responsibility for. Susan was angry because she wanted Jim to be home. She blamed him for being late. When they came in for counseling, our conversation went like this:
“Susan, tell me why you get angry at Jim,” I said.
“Because he’s late,” she replied.
“That can’t be the reason,” I said. “People don’t make other people angry. Your anger has to come from something inside of you.”
“What do you mean? He’s the one who comes home late.”
“Well, what if you had plans to go out with your friends that night? Would you still be angry at him for being late?”
“Well, no. That’s different.”
“What’s different? You said you were angry because he was late, and he would still be late, yet you wouldn’t be angry.”
“Well, in that situation, he wouldn’t be doing anything to hurt me.”
“Not exactly,” I pointed out. “The difference is that you wouldn’t be wanting something that he didn’t want to give. Your disappointed desire is what hurts you, not his being late. The problem lies in who is responsible for the want. It is your want, not his. You are responsible for getting it fulfilled. That is a rule of life. We do not get everything we want, and we all must grieve over our disappointments instead of punish others for them.”
“What about common respect? Staying at the office is self-ish,” she said.
“Well, he wants to work some nights, and you want him home. Both of you want something for yourselves. We could say that you are as selfish as he is. The truth is that neither one of you is selfish. You just have conflicting wants. This is what mar-riage is about—getting conflicting wants worked out.”
There was no “bad guy” in this situation. Both Jim and Susan had needs. Jim needed to work late, and Susan needed him home. Problems arise when we make someone else responsible for our needs and wants, and when we blame them for our dis-appointments.
Limits on What I Can Give
We are finite creatures and must give as we “decide in [our]
heart to give” (2 Cor. 9:7), being aware of when we are giving past the love point to the resentment point. Problems arise when we blame someone else for our own lack of limits. Often
spouses will do more than they really want to and then resent the other for not stopping them from overgiving.
Bob had this problem. His wife, Nancy, wanted the perfect home, including handmade patios, landscaping, and remodel-ing. She was always coming up with something for him to do around the house. He was beginning to resent her projects.
When he came to see me, I asked him why he was angry.
“Well, because she wants so much. I can’t find any time for myself,” he said.
“What do you mean ‘can’t’? Don’t you mean ‘won’t’?”
“No, I can’t. She would be angry if I didn’t do the work.”
“Well, that’s her problem; it’s her anger.”
“Yes, but I have to listen to it.”
“No, you don’t,” I said. “You are choosing to do all of these things for her, and you are choosing to take the tongue lashings that happen if you don’t. Any time you spend doing things for her is a gift from you; if you do not want to give it, you don’t have to. Stop blaming her for all of this.”
Bob didn’t like that. He wanted her to stop wanting instead of his learning to say no.
“How much time do you want to give her each week for home improvement?” I asked.
He thought for a minute. “About four hours. I could work on things for her and still have a little time left for a hobby.”
“Then tell her that you have been thinking about your time and that with all the other things you are doing for the family, you would like to give her four hours a week to work around the house. She is free to use that time any way she chooses.”
“But what if she says that four hours is not enough?”
“Explain to her that you understand that this may not be enough time to complete all the jobs she wants done, but those are her wants, not yours. Therefore, she is responsible for her own wants, and she is free to be creative in how she gets them done. She could earn some extra money and hire someone. She could learn to do them herself. She could ask a friend to help. Or, she could cut down on her wants. It is important that she learns
that you are not going to take responsibility for her wants. You’re going to give as you choose, and she is responsible for the rest.”
Bob saw the logic in my suggestion and decided to talk with Nancy. It was not pretty at first. No one had ever said no to Nancy before, and she did not take well to it. But, over time, Bob took responsibility for his limits instead of wishing that Nancy would not want so much, and his limits took effect. She learned something that she had never learned before: the world does not exist for her. Other people are not extensions of her wants and desires. Other people have wants and needs of their own, and we must negotiate a fair and loving relationship and respect each other’s limits.
The key here is that the other person is not responsible for our limits; we are. Only we know what we can and want to give, and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. If we do not draw it, we can quickly become resentful.
Applying the Laws of Boundaries to Marriage
In Chapter 5 we talked about the ten laws of boundaries.
Let’s apply a few of those laws to troubled marital situations.
The Law of Sowing and Reaping
Many times one spouse may be out of control and may not suffer the consequences of this behavior. The husband yells at his wife, and she tries to be more loving. In effect, the evil (yelling) produces good things (more loving) for him. Or, a wife overspends, and her husband pays the consequences. He gets a second job to cover the mound of bills.
Natural consequences are needed to resolve these problems.
A wife needs to tell her overly critical husband that if he con-tinues to berate her, she will go into another room until he can discuss the problem rationally. Or, she could say something like,
“I will not talk about this issue with you anymore alone. I will only talk in the presence of a counselor.” Or, “If you start yelling at me again, I will go to Jane’s house to spend the night.” The husband with the spendthrift wife needs to cancel the credit
cards or tell her she needs to get a second job to pay the bills.
These spouses all need to let the out-of-control spouses suffer the consequences of their actions.
A friend of mine decided to let his wife suffer the conse-quences of her chronic lateness. He had nagged and nagged his wife about her tardiness, to no avail. Finally, he realized he could not change her; he could only change his response to her.
Tired of suffering the consequences of her behavior, he decided to give them back to her.
One night they had plans to go to a banquet, and he did not want to be late. In advance, he told her that he wanted to be on time and that if she were not ready by 6:00 P.M., he would leave without her. She was late, and he left. When he came home that night, she screamed, “How could you leave without me!” He let her know that her lateness was what caused her to miss the ban-quet and that he was sad to have to go alone, but he did not want to miss the dinner. After a few more incidents like this, she knew that her lateness would affect her and not him, and she changed.
These moves are not manipulative, as the other spouse will accuse. They are examples of someone limiting how they will allow themselves to be treated and exhibiting self-control. The natural consequences are falling on the shoulders of the responsible party.
The Law of Responsibility
We talked earlier about taking responsibility for ourselves and having responsibility to others. The above examples show that. People who set limits exhibit self-control and show respon-sibility for themselves. They act responsible to their partner by confronting him or her. Setting limits is an act of love in the marriage; by binding and limiting the evil, they protect the good.
Taking responsibility for someone’s anger, pouting, and dis-appointments by giving in to that person’s demands or control-ling behavior destroys love in a marriage. Instead of taking responsibility for people we love, or rescuing them, we need to show responsibility to them by confronting evil when we see it.
This is truly loving our partner and the marriage. The most responsible behavior possible is usually the most difficult.
The Law of Power
We have looked at our basic inability to change another per-son. A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going.
Accepting someone as she is, respecting her choice to be that way, and then giving her appropriate consequences is the better path. When we do this, we execute the power we do have, and we stop trying to wield the power no one has. Contrast these ways of reacting:
BEFORE BOUNDARIES 1. “Stop yelling at me. You must
be nicer.”
2. “You’ve just got to stop drinking. It’s ruining our family. Please listen. You’re wrecking our lives.”
3. “You are a pervert to look at pornography. That’s so degrading. What kind of a sick person are you anyway?”
AFTER BOUNDARIES 1. “You can continue to yell if
you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.”
2. “You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the chil-dren to this chaos. The next time you are drunk, we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is your choice. What I will put up with is mine.”
3. “I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines. It’s up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me. Make up your mind and choose.”
These are all examples of taking power over what you do have power over—yourself—and giving up trying to control and have power over someone else.
The Law of Evaluation
When you confront your husband or wife and begin to set boundaries, your partner may be hurt. In evaluating the pain that your boundary setting causes your spouse, remember that love and limits go together. When you set boundaries, be lov-ingly responsible to the person in pain.
Spouses who are wise and loving will accept boundaries and act responsibly toward them. Spouses who are controlling and self-centered will react angrily.
Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person. You are not demanding that your spouse do something—even respect your boundaries. You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do. Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself. Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to con-trol a spouse. It is the opposite. It is giving up concon-trol and begin-ning to love. You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior.
The Law of Exposure
In a marriage, as in no other relationship, the need for revealing your boundaries is important. Passive boundaries, such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and passive-aggressive behavior, are extremely destructive to a relationship.
Passive ways of showing people that they do not have control over you never lead to intimacy. They never educate the other on who you really are; they only estrange.
Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions. They need to be clear and unapologetic. Remem-ber the types of boundaries we listed earlier: skin, words, truth, physical space, time, emotional distance, other people, conse-quences. All of these boundaries need to be respected and revealed at different times in marriage.
Skin. Each spouse needs to respect the other’s physical body boundaries. Physical boundary violations can range from hurt-ful displays of affection to physical abuse. The Bible says that the husband and wife have “authority” over each other’s body (1 Cor. 7:4–6 NASB); this is mutual authority, given freely. One should always remember Jesus’ principle: “Treat others as you would want to be treated.”
Words. Your words need to be clear and spoken in love.
Confront your spouse directly. Say no. Don’t use passive resis-tance. Don’t pout or withdraw. Say things like, “I do not feel comfortable with that. I do not want to. I won’t.”
Truth. Paul says that “each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully” (Eph. 4:25). Honest communication is always best. This includes telling the other person when he is not aware that he is violating one of God’s standards. You also need to own the truth about your feelings and hurts and communicate those feelings directly to your spouse with love.
Physical Space. When you need time away, tell your spouse.
Sometimes you need space for nourishment; other times you need space for limit setting. In either instance, your spouse should not have to guess why you do not want him around for a while.
Communicate clearly so your spouse does not feel as though he is being punished, but knows he is experiencing the consequences of his out-of-control behavior (Matt. 18:17; 1 Cor. 5:9–13).
Emotional Distance. If you are in a troubled marriage, where your partner has had an affair, for example, you may need emo-tional space. Waiting to trust again is wise. You need to see if your spouse is truly repentant, and your spouse needs to see that her behavior has a cost. Your spouse may interpret this as pun-ishment, but the Bible teaches that we are to judge a person by her actions, not by her words (James 2:14–26).
In addition, a hurt heart takes time to heal. You cannot rush back into a position of trust with too much unresolved hurt. That hurt needs to be exposed and communicated. If you are hurt-ing, you need to own that hurt.
Time. Each spouse needs time apart from the relationship.
Not just for limit setting, as we pointed out above, but for