O
ne of the definitions of a myth is a fiction that looks like a truth. Sometimes it sounds so true that Christians will believe it automatically. Some of these myths come from our family backgrounds. Some come from our church or theological foundations. And some come from our own misunderstandings.Whatever the source, prayerfully investigate the following
“sounds-like-truths.”
Myth #1: If I Set Boundaries, I’m Being Selfish
“Now, wait a minute,” Teresa said, shaking her head. “How can I set limits on those who need me? Isn’t that living for me and not for God?”
Teresa was voicing one of the main objections to boundary setting for Christians: a deep-seated fear of being self-centered, interested only in one’s own concerns and not those of others.
It is absolutely true that we are to be a loving people. Con-cerned for the welfare of others. In fact, the number-one hall-mark of Christians is that we love others (John 13:35).
So don’t boundaries turn us from other-centeredness to self-centeredness? The answer is no. Appropriate boundaries actu-ally increase our ability to care about others. People with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth. How can this be true?
First, let’s make a distinction between selfishness and stew-ardship. Selfishness has to do with a fixation on our own wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to love others.
Though having wishes and desires is a God-given trait (Prov. 13:4), we are to keep them in line with healthy goals and responsibility.
For one thing, we may not want what we need. Mr. Insensi-tive may desperately need help with the fact that he’s a terrible listener. But he may not want it. God is much more interested in meeting our needs than he is granting all our wishes. For example, he denied Paul’s wish to heal his “thorn in the flesh”
(2 Cor. 12:7–10). At the same time, he met Paul’s needs to the point that Paul felt content and full:
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:12–13)
It helps the Christian afraid of setting boundaries to know that God meets our needs. “God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19). At the same time, God does not make our wishes and desires “all bad” either. He will meet many of them.
Our Needs Are Our Responsibility
Even with God’s help, however, it is crucial to understand that meeting our own needs is basically our job. We can’t wait passively for others to take care of us. Jesus told us to “Ask. . .seek . . .knock” (Matt. 7:7). We are to “work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling” (Phil. 2:12). Even knowing that “it is God who works in [us]” (Phil. 2:13), we are our own responsibility.
This is a very different picture than many of us are used to.
Some individuals see their needs as bad, selfish, and at best, a luxury. Others see them as something that God or others should do for them. But the biblical picture is clear: our lives are our responsibility.
At the end of our lives this truth becomes crystal clear. We will all “appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad” (2 Cor. 5:10). A sobering thought.
Stewardship
A helpful way to understand setting limits is that our lives are a gift from God. Just as a store manager takes good care of a shop for the owner, we are to do the same with our souls. If a lack of boundaries causes us to mismanage the store, the owner has a right to be upset with us.
We are to develop our lives, abilities, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Our spiritual and emotional growth is God’s “inter-est” on his investment in us. When we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting God’s invest-ment. As you can see, there’s quite a difference between self-ishness and stewardship.
Myth #2: Boundaries Are a Sign of Disobedience
Many Christians fear that setting and keeping limits signals rebellion, or disobedience. In religious circles you’ll often hear statements such as, “Your unwillingness to go along with our program shows an unresponsive heart.” Because of this myth, countless individuals remain trapped in endless activities of no genuine spiritual and emotional value.
The truth is life-changing: a lack of boundaries is often a sign of disobedience. People who have shaky limits are often com-pliant on the outside, but rebellious and resentful on the inside.
They would like to be able to say no, but are afraid. So they cover their fear with a half-hearted yes, as Barry did.
Barry had almost made it to his car after church when Ken caught up with him. Here goes, Barry thought. Maybe I can still get out of this one.
“Barry!” Ken boomed. “Glad I caught you!”
The singles class officer in charge of Bible studies, Ken was a dedicated recruiter to the studies he presided over; however, he was often insensitive to the fact that not everyone wanted to attend his meetings.
“So which study can I put you down for, Barry? The one on prophecy, evangelism, or Mark?”
Barry thought desperately to himself. I could say, “None of the above interest me. Don’t call me—I’ll call you.” But he’s a ranking officer in the singles class. He could jeopardize my rela-tionships with others in the group. I wonder which class will be the shortest?
“How about the one on prophecy?” Barry guessed. He was wrong.
“Great! We’ll be studying end times for the next eighteen months! See you Monday.” Ken walked off triumphantly.
Let’s take a look at what just happened. Barry avoided say-ing no to Ken. At first glance, it looks like he made a choice for obedience. He committed himself to a Bible study. That’s a good thing, right? Absolutely.
But take a second look. What were Barry’s motives for not saying no to Ken? What were the “thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Heb. 4:12)? Fear. Barry was afraid of Ken’s political clout in the singles group. He feared that he would lose other relationships if he disappointed Ken.
Why is this important? Because it illustrates a biblical prin-ciple: an internal no nullifies an external yes. God is more con-cerned with our hearts than he is with our outward compliance.
“For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings” (Hos. 6:6).
In other words, if we say yes to God or anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. And that is the same as lying. Our lips say yes, but our hearts (and often our half-hearted actions) say no. Do you really think Barry will finish out his year and a half with Ken’s Bible study? The odds are that some priority will arise to sabotage Barry’s commitment, and he’ll leave—but without telling Ken the real reason why.
Here’s a good way to look at this myth that boundaries are a sign of disobedience: if we can’t say no, we can’t say yes. Why is this? It has to do with our motivation to obey, to love, or to be responsible. We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not.
The Bible tells us how to be obedient: “Each of you must give as you have made up your mind, not reluctantly or under
compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Cor. 9:7 NRSV, ital-ics mine).
Look at the first two ways of giving: “reluctantly” and “under compulsion.” They both involve fear—either of a real person or a guilty conscience. These motives can’t exist side by side with love, because “there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear”
(1 John 4:18 NASB). Each of us must give as we have made up our minds. When we are afraid to say no, our yes is compromised.
God has no interest in our obeying out of fear “because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made per-fect in love” (1 John 4:18). God wants a response of love.
Are boundaries a sign of disobedience? They can be. We can say no to good things for wrong reasons. But having a “no” helps us to clarify, to be honest, to tell the truth about our motives;
then we can allow God to work in us. This process cannot be accomplished in a fearful heart.
Myth #3: If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt by Others
Usually the quiet one in her women’s Bible study group, Debbie spoke up. The topic of the evening was “biblical conflict resolution,” and she couldn’t be silent another second. “I know how to present facts and arguments about my opinion in a car-ing way. But my husband will walk out on me if I start disagree-ing! Now what do I do?”
Debbie’s problem is shared by many. She genuinely believes in boundaries, but she is terrified of their consequences.
Is it possible that others will become angry at our boundaries and attack or withdraw from us? Absolutely. God never gave us the power or the right to control how others respond to our no.
Some will welcome it; some will hate it.
Jesus told the rich young man a hard truth about eternal life.
He understood that the man worshiped money. So he told him to give it away—to make room in his heart for God. The results were not encouraging: “When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth” (Matt. 19:22).
Jesus could have manipulated the situation so that it was less hard to swallow. He could have said, “Well, how about ninety percent?” After all, he’s God, and he makes up the rules! But he didn’t. He knew that the young man had to know whom to wor-ship. So he let him walk away.
We can do no less. We can’t manipulate people into swal-lowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a
“litmus test” for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can’t respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our no. They only love our yes, our compliance.
When Jesus said, “Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets”
(Luke 6:26), he was saying, “Don’t be an ear tickler. Don’t be a chronic peacemaker.” If everything you say is loved by everyone, the odds are good that you’re bending the truth.
Setting limits has to do with telling the truth. The Bible clearly distinguishes between those who love truth and those who don’t. First, there is the person who welcomes your bound-aries. Who accepts them. Who listens to them. Who says, “I’m glad you have a separate opinion. It makes me a better person.”
This person is called wise, or righteous.
The second type hates limits. Resents your difference. Tries to manipulate you into giving up your treasures. Try our “litmus test” experiment with your significant relationships. Tell them no in some area. You’ll either come out with increased intimacy—
or learn that there was very little to begin with.
So what does Debbie, whose husband is an avowed “bound-ary buster,” do? Will her husband carry out his threat to walk out on her? He might. We can’t control the other person. But if the only thing keeping Debbie’s husband home is her total compli-ance, is this a marriage at all? And how will problems ever be addressed when she and he avoid them?
Do Debbie’s boundaries condemn her to a life of isolation?
Absolutely not. If telling the truth causes someone to leave you,
this gives the church an opportunity to provide support and a spiritual and emotional “home” to the abandoned person.
In no way are we advocating divorce. The point is that you can’t make anyone stay with or love you. Ultimately that is up to your partner. Sometimes setting boundaries clarifies that you were left a long time ago, in every way, perhaps, except physi-cally. Often, when a crisis like this occurs, it helps the struggling couple reconcile and remake their marriage into a more biblical one. The problem was raised, and now can be addressed.
Warning: the boundaryless spouse who develops limits begins changing in the marriage. There are more disagreements.
There are more conflicts over values, schedules, money, kids, and sex. Quite often, however, the limits help the out-of-control spouse begin to experience the necessary pain that can motivate him or her to take more responsibility in the marriage. Many marriages are strengthened after boundaries are set because the spouse begins to miss the relationship.
Will some people abandon or attack us for having bound-aries? Yes. Better to learn about their character and take steps to fix the problem than never to know.
Bonding First, Boundaries Second
Gina listened attentively to her counselor as he presented her boundary problems. “It all seems to make sense now, ” she said as she left the session. “I can see changes I’m going to have to make.”
The next session was quite different. She entered the office defeated and hurt. “These boundaries aren’t what they’re cracked up to be,” she said sadly. “This week I confronted my husband, my kids, my parents, and my friends on how they don’t respect my boundaries. And now nobody will talk to me!”
What was the problem? Gina certainly jumped into her boundary work with both feet—but she neglected to find a safe place to work on boundaries. It isn’t wise to immediately alien-ate yourself from everyone important to you. Remember that
you are made for relationship. You need people. You must have places where you are connected, where you are loved uncondi-tionally. It’s only from that place of being “rooted and grounded in love” (Eph. 3:17 NASB) that you can safely begin learning to tell the truth. This is how you can prepare yourself for the resis-tance of others to your setting of biblical boundaries.
Myth #4: If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others
“The biggest problem with telling my mother no is the ‘hurt silence,’” Barbara said. “It lasts about forty-five seconds, and it always happens after I tell her I can’t visit her. It’s only broken by my apologizing for my selfishness and setting up a time to visit. Then she’s fine. I’ll do anything to avoid that silence.”
If you set boundaries, you fear that your limits will injure someone else—someone you would genuinely like to see happy and fulfilled:
• The friend who wants to borrow your car when you need it
• The relative in chronic financial straits who desperately asks for a loan
• The person who calls for support when you are in bad shape yourself
The problem is that sometimes you see boundaries as an offensive weapon. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Boundaries are a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your trea-sures from being taken at the wrong time. Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause some discomfort. They may have to look elsewhere. But it doesn’t cause injury.
This principle doesn’t speak only to those who would like to control or manipulate us. It also applies to the legitimate needs of others. Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can’t sacrifice for some reason or another. Jesus left the multitudes, for example, to be alone with his Father
(Matt. 14:22–23). In these instances, we have to allow others to take responsibility for their “knapsacks” (Gal. 6:5) and to look elsewhere to get their needs met.
This is a crucial point. We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone.
Then, when one person can’t be there for us, there’s another phone number to call. Another person who may have something to offer. And we aren’t enslaved to the schedule conflicts of one person.
This is the beauty behind the Bible’s teachings on the church, the body of Christ. We’re all a group of lumpy, bumpy, unfinished sinners, who ask for help and give help, who ask again and give again. And when our supportive network is strong enough, we all help each other mature into what God intended us to be: “showing forbearance to one another in love, being dili-gent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace”
(Eph. 4:2–3).
When we’ve taken the responsibility to develop several sup-portive relationships in this biblical fashion, we can take a no from someone. Why? Because we have somewhere else to go.
Remember that God had no problem telling Paul that he would not take away his thorn. He tells all of us no quite often!
God doesn’t worry that his boundaries will injure us. He knows we are to take responsibility for our lives—and sometimes no helps us do just that.
Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry
Brenda had finally mustered up the courage to tell her boss she was no longer going to work weekends for no pay. She had asked for a meeting, which had gone well. Her boss had been understanding, and the situation was being ironed out. Every-thing had gone well, except inside Brenda.
It had begun innocently enough. Brenda had itemized her issues with the work situation and had presented her view and suggestions. But midway through her presentation, she’d been surprised by a sense of rage welling up inside. Her feeling of anger and injustice had been difficult to keep hidden. It had even slipped out in a couple of sarcastic comments about the boss’s “golfing Fridays,” comments that Brenda had had no intention of making.
Sitting at her desk, Brenda felt confused. Where had the anger come from? Was she “that kind of person”? Maybe the culprit was these boundaries she’d been setting.
It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, setting limits, and taking responsibility, an “angry cloud”
follows them around for a while. They become touchy and eas-ily offended, and they discover a hair-trigger temper that fright-ens them. Friends will make comments like, “You’re not the nice, loving person I used to know.” The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters.
So do boundaries cause anger in us? Absolutely not. This myth is a misunderstanding of emotions in general, and anger specifically. Emotions, or feelings, have a function. They tell us something. They are a signal.
Here are some of the things our “negative” emotions tell us.
Fear tells us to move away from danger, to be careful. Sadness tells us that we’ve lost something—a relationship, an opportu-nity, or an idea. Anger is also a signal. Like fear, anger signals danger. However, rather than urging us to withdraw, anger is a sign that we need to move forward to confront the threat. Jesus’
rage at the defilement of the temple is an example of how this feeling functions (John 2:13–17).
Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Much like a nation’s radar defense system, angry feelings serve as an
“early warning system,” telling us we’re in danger of being injured or controlled.
“So that’s why I find myself hostile to pushy salesmen!” Carl exclaimed. He couldn’t understand why he had a hard time loving sales personnel who couldn’t hear his no. They were