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5. Are you ready to make a plan? Planning Bench
At the Planning Bench, the difficult person is asked to select one of their options from the list uncovered at the last bench which they believe will take them towards what they want.
It is vital this choice be in the hands of the difficult person so the result is also theirs, which will empower them.
It is important for you to emphasize to the difficult person their move towards what they want, like all important things in life, will usually be achieved one small step at a time.
The difficult person has selected the option. You then assist him or her to develop a specific and detailed plan of action which is likely to take them towards what they want by uncovering the specifics of:
• What specifically are you going to do?
• Who specifically does it involve?
• When specifically are you going to do it?
• Where specifically you going to do it?
• How specifically you going to do it?
There is no need to ask why the difficult person will do the plan because you already know the why is because the difficult person perceives it will take them toward their values.
Figure 5.2
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A Walk in the Park is quick, simple and it works. Remember, these are the five benches.
(See Figure 5.2) Let’s look at a few brief examples to illustrate:
An Example with School Friends Gina & Fernando
Gina and Fernando are attending university full time. Gina approached Fernando complaining she cannot focus on her studies because she has discovered she now has high blood pressure.
Using a Careless Communication style, Gina blames her frustration on everybody and every thing around her. This includes her boyfriend, her mother, her career choice and even her genetics. She complains about the efforts she has made to be healthier; about having several school projects not completed and being very worried about her academic future.
Gina is one of Fernando’s closest friends. Fernando asks Gina if she would like to talk about it for a few minutes, i.e., to take “A Walk in the Park.” Gina agrees as Fernando is not just her friend but also someone she respects and trusts. So let us follow their conversation to see and hear how Fernando takes Gina for “A Walk in the Park.”
Remember the five park bench questions are:
1. What do you want?
2. What have you been doing to get it?
3. Is what you have been doing working?
4. What else could you do to get what you want?
5. Are you ready to make a plan?
First, Fernando Guides Gina to the Want Bench – What do you want?
Fernando says: Gina you sound frustrated and scared to me, what do you want out of this situation you find yourself in right now?
Gina responds: I want to have a future where I feel healthy and active. I want to finish my education and I want to stop being afraid.
Fernando asks: Which one do you want first, want to move towards right away?
Gina replies: Well I guess that would be getting my health back under control because everything else depends on that, doesn’t it?
Second, Fernando takes Gina to the Doing Bench – What have you been doing to get it?
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DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE IS WITH A WALK IN THE PARK!
Fernando: Gina, I think you are right! So what exactly have you been doing so far to get your health back under control?
Gina: Well, let’s see. I have been cutting back on the fast food and I have been limiting my Coca Cola to only a case a month. Also, I am trying to eat more chicken instead of beef and I am taking vitamins regularly.
Third, Fernando takes her to the Self-Evaluation Bench – Is what you have been doing working?
Fernando: Gina, you sound like you have been doing several things, but I have a question.
Think about your answer carefully. Has cutting back on fast food and limiting the Coca Cola you drink, eating more chicken and taking vitamins got you the control of your health you want?
Gina: Well, they are supposed to help, and I have been doing them for months and they seem to work for other people…but really…when I think about it carefully they have not been enough to get me the health I want.
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advising and helping foremen solve problems I was a
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Real work International opportunities
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I wanted real responsibili�
I joined MITAS because
Maersk.com/Mitas
�e Graduate Programme for Engineers and Geoscientists
Month 16 I was a construction supervisor in the North Sea
advising and helping foremen solve problems I was a
he s
Real work International opportunities
�ree work placements al
Internationa or
�ree wo
I wanted real responsibili�
I joined MITAS because
Maersk.com/Mitas
�e Graduate Programme for Engineers and Geoscientists
Month 16 I was a construction supervisor in the North Sea
advising and helping foremen solve problems I was a
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Real work International opportunities
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Fourth, Fernando takes Gina to the Options Bench – What else could you do to get what you want?
Fernando: Gina, these behaviors may work for others but you are saying they are not enough for you, is that right? (Gina nods) Then what else could you consider doing to take you towards having more control of your health?
Gina: Well, my doctor wants me to take blood pressure medication and my boyfriend wants me to cut out Coca Cola and beef all together. Also, I could do some exercising which I have avoided. And I guess I could take the stress management course the Student Service Department offers. I could also make more time for some of my hobbies like skiing and soccer. And I could connect with my parents more often for support. When I think about it many new options seem to appear.
Fifth, Fernando takes her to the Planning Bench – Are you ready to make a plan?
Fernando: Gina, you have identified several new options you could consider doing to move towards more control of your health. Which one appeals the most to you and which you are ready to create an action plan?
Gina: I would like to avoid medications if I can, and the stress management course scheduling is for next spring. I think the one that is most realistic for me at this point is the exercise option. I have been kind of putting if off knowing eventually I would need to consider it. So, seize the opportunity, eh?
Fernando: Gina, what specifically are you prepared to do about exercising that would take you towards more control of your health? Also when, where and how are you going to do it; and who will it involve?
Gina: I could start walking each evening after supper for twenty minutes around my neighborhood. And I could walk at a brisk pace to get my heart beating a little faster, but not too much. And maybe my boyfriend would come with me sometimes for company.
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
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THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE IS WITH A WALK IN THE PARK!
Fernando: Gina, that sounds like a plan that will move you towards more control of your health. To ensure it’s the right plan for you, would you evaluate it in terms of your commitment to doing it right away? On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest commitment, how strongly are you committed to it?”
Gina: You know, Fernando, just talking to you about it has helped me feel better and realize there are many things I can do to take better control of my health. My walking is a good first step for me, so I am really committed…
at least an 8 or 9.”
Fernando: That’s great, Gina, I would be interested to know in a few days how it is going. Will you let me know?
Gina: I sure will Fernando and thanks for listening I really appreciate it. I had better get back to work, eh?
Regardless of the nature of the problem, whether financial, family, drug abuse, personality conflicts, the process of guiding someone through A Walk In The Park does not change.
Always use the same M-shaped path to the same benches in the same order.
An Example with Colleagues Marie & Jacqueline
Marie and Jacqueline work together at a community hospital. Jacqueline reports to Marie, her supervisor. Jacqueline has been saying for several weeks she does not have enough help to do her job. She keeps saying, “There is just too much work!” Some of her team have expressed concern about her level of stress.
Marie has been using a Careful Communication style with Jacqueline to date and with little effect. Marie suspects Jacqueline is not working efficiently; she may be stuck in some old habits and need to learn new ways of doing things. Marie arranges to meet with Jacqueline to take her for “A Walk in the Park.”
Marie tells Jacqueline she would like to explore her concerns about her workload. Jacqueline reiterates her view of having too much work. Marie listens carefully and then begins their journey through the park.
Let’s follow them.
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First, Marie Guides Jacqueline to the Want Bench – What do you want?
Marie says: Jacqueline, I appreciate your frustration, and, since our budget is tight, we need to use our ingenuity so we can solve this problem. Let’s start with you telling me what you want your job to be like?
Jacqueline says: I want to be on top of things, to be able to devote time to the most important areas in our section. We have the seniors’ service starting up next month. There are my continual recruitment duties, as well as, the ongoing financial and administrative stuff I want under control.
Marie asks: Which aspect is the most important to you right now and you want to get more control of immediately?
Jacqueline responds: I want to feel a sense of control and balance with all my responsibilities here at the hospital.
Second, Marie takes Jacqueline to the Doing Bench – What have you been doing to get it?
Marie: Jacqueline, what exactly have you been doing so far to get a sense of control and balance to your responsibilities?
Jacqueline: Well, you know it is important the new seniors’ service starts strong. In addition, you cannot rely on just anyone to be as committed to it as I am. Most people do not have the experience and skills I have in recruitment so I have to do all that stuff myself as well. And, of course that new financial software we are using is complex and time consuming. Therefore, I have set aside Mondays and Tuesdays just for the new seniors’ service. I have designated Wednesday mornings for finances, and I have scheduled all applicants’ screenings for Thursday. And I left Fridays for the rest of my supervision duties, committee work, correspondence, and stuff like that.
Third, Marie takes her to the Self-Evaluation Bench – Is what you have been doing working?
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THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE IS WITH A WALK IN THE PARK!
Marie says: Jacqueline, you obviously have implemented several changes. I want to ask you an important question. Think about your answer carefully. You have set aside Mondays and Tuesdays for the seniors’ service; Wednesdays mornings for finances; Thursdays for applicants screening and Fridays for the rest of your duties. Have these efforts got you the sense of control and balance to your responsibilities you want?
Jacqueline: Well, that’s what I learned in that time management course I took last year and those techniques seem to work for Ray and other people…but actually…
when I look at it carefully they have not created, for me, a sense of balance or control in what I am doing.
Fourth, Marie takes Jacqueline to the Options Bench – What else could you do to get what you want?
Marie says: Jacqueline, these behaviors may well work for others, or even for you in other situations, but you just said they are not working for you in this situation.
Is that right? (Jacqueline nods) Then what else could you consider doing to take you towards having more balance and control in your job?
Jacqueline: Well, I am not sure. I have suspected I need to delegate more things to others, but I am hesitant to do so for fear of looking incompetent. But when I hear myself say what I am doing isn’t working, I realize I may look that way already to some people. So I feel I have to do something different, don’t I? It is important for me to continue with my team’s supervision, but perhaps I could ask my administrative assistant to do more like some of the recruitment duties or maybe I could make some time to do a familiarization course on the new software. I could also ask some of the committee members on the seniors’ service to take over some of the duties I have been carrying.
And I also could learn to start saying no when someone wants to give me more work I really don’t have time to do. When I think about it there are more things I can do than I realized.
Fifth, Marie takes Jacqueline to the Planning Bench – Are you ready to make a plan?
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Marie says: Jacqueline you have identified several new behaviors you could consider doing to move towards more balance and control of in your role here at the hospital.
Which one do you think would start you on the road toward creating that balance and control you want? And, which you would like to build into an action plan?
Jacqueline: I think my first step would be to deal with the most time consuming aspect, my recruitment responsibilities. That would probably make the biggest difference to me right now.
Marie: What specifically are you prepared to do to your recruitment responsibilities that would take you toward more of a sense of balance and control in your job? And specifically when, where and how are you going to do it; and who will it involve?
Jacqueline: I plan to sit down with my administrative assistant, Shanti, a very skilled woman, and discuss all the tasks involved in my recruitment responsibilities and determine which ones she would be prepared to take on to free me up for other things. She has offered before to do more, but I have been hesitating. I will not do that anymore. I am going to book a time with her when I leave here, and we will sit down in my office over a cup of coffee. I will explain my situation and ask her for her assistance.
Marie: That sounds like a plan which will move you towards more balance and control of your role. To ensure it is the best plan for you, would you evaluate your commitment to doing it? On a scale of one to ten with ten being the highest commitment, how strongly are you committed to it?
Jacqueline: You know, Marie, having someone to listen to my concerns has added new perspectives I just didn’t notice before. I feel better prepared to deal with it now. In addition, I notice there are other things I will need to do but this is a great start. This has been very helpful, thank you! So I am very committed…a nine or ten.”
Marie: That’s great, Jacqueline. Can I call you next week to see how you are making out with it? And, of course, if you need to discuss this again, I would be pleased to continue to assist you in this.
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THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE IS WITH A WALK IN THE PARK!
Jacqueline: Sure, Marie, and thank you, again. I really appreciate your time. I need to go book that appointment right now. I will talk to you next week.
As you can see, this is very straight forward process. Just follow the bench questions and you will do fine. The Choice Theory™ principles and Caring Communication enable you to assist others to identify new behaviors which honor their values and move them toward what they want.
In addition, what you want as a person displays itself as well. You are viewed as respectful, caring and helpful. This is different from being viewed as the opposite. Notice also your job is not to take over or solve their problem.
An Example with Family Members Emma and John
Emma and John are both in their early thirties and siblings. Emma is on maternity leave with her second baby and John has just arrived for a visit. Their parents live across town.
Emma has used a somewhat Careless Communication style with her family in the past often demanding and impatient. Emma’s spouse has recently left her and she is devastated. She has not been close to her brother for many years but now feels alone and desperate. Emma tells John her husband has abandoned her with two children, many bills and no support.
Let’s listen to John take Emma for “A Walk in the Park.”
First, John Guides Emma to the Want Bench – What do you want?
John says: Emma you are very upset about this and I appreciate you feeling overwhelmed about it all. Tell me what you want out of this situation for yourself now?
Emma responds: John, I want my husband back, I want help with our debt because I can’t carry it all on my own, and I want to stop feeling so scared all the time.
John asks: Which one is the most important to you right now and that you want to deal with first?
Emma says: I would say I want to stop feeling afraid all the time.
Second, John takes Emma to the Doing Bench – What have you been doing to get it?
John: Emma, what exactly have you been doing so far to stop feeling afraid all the time?
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